One liner Jokes

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

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"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

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My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

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"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."

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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

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I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

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But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

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It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

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"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

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"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

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A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

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"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

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I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

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"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."

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We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

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"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best. "

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"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

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"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

Funny Meanings

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
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Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.
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Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
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Divorce:

Future tense of marriage
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Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
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Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
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Compromise :

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
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Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .
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Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.
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Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
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Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
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Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.
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Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
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Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
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Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
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Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
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Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
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Experience :

The name men give to their mistakes.
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Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.
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Philosopher :

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
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Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
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Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
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Optimist :

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.
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Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
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Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
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Father:

A banker provided by nature.
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Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.
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Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
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Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
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Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

Student Vs Professor

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."