Sex Education

A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.




She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.




On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class " Does anyone know what this is called?"




Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"




"Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked " Does anyone know what this is called?"




This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."




"That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them."




"Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy's teeth with !"

Birthday Suit

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing,




And the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed,




"This is a birthday suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and butt naked now!"




The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.




The sergeant walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer together.




The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir! " "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"




The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked him right across the chest. " Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"




The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the soldiers; so he walked up to a third soldier.




The captain noticed that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. " Did that hurt?" he yelled. "No, Sir! "




"Why not?" "Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir! "

The perfect husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello ?"



W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "

H - "Yes."

W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - " Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"

Doctors !

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.




The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, " I've been a little sick to my stomach."



The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"




"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."


"Hmmm,!" the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."




"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?




"Well, just like you did at the last house , I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.

Hearing Problem

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid .

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her , and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.


"That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.



He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens ." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.



So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"



Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"


Again he gets no response so; He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.


"Honey, what's for dinner?"


"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN !"

Wife and Wine

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.


"I did a terrible thing ," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."


"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"


"Right !" said the drunk, still crying.


"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"


"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"

Wife and Whisky

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what Happened.


"I did a terrible thing ," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my Wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."


"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back Right?"


"Right !" said the drunk, still crying.


"You're sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved Her?"


"Oh, No, who the hell wants to love her," said the drunk. "I want her back Because I'm thirsty again!"

Worst day of life

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink . He stays like that for half-hour.


Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.


The truck driver says: " Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."


"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.


First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car,


I found out it was stolen.


The police, they said they couldn't do anything.


I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.


I got home only to find my wife was with the gardener.


I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."